I have decided that I am a very confused individual. This is not meant to be a profound statement by any means, nor do I assume that others are not as confused or more confused than me. I think this state of confusion exists in many of us because we are confronted with such a variety of choices - many more so than our parents had available to them, for example. Last week I put an offer on a house. Then I changed my mind, and let the counteroffer expire. I feel totally relieved! Just two months ago, I was fantasizing about living in San Francisco, at least part time. I even searched for apartments for rent and went to go look at one. I gave it some serious consideration. I was going to be this cool bi-city chick. Not to be confused with a bi chick. Even tho we're talking about SF. No, I had this whole plan to spend more time in the city and try to date guys there as a part-time resident. Not that you have to establish residency to be allowed to date someone, but I look at this in the same way I do applying for jobs. It's difficult to get a job in a city where you're not currently living, right? Well, the same theory can be applied to boyfriends. Guys who live in SF can hardly be bothered to leave the city limits. And why would they? Everything is there. Maybe they'll make the trek to Tahoe during snowboarding season, otherwise they are staying put. Drive to Sacramento? Riiiight.

So I was considering renting a room in an apartment in the Mission. But I learned that there was no way I could convince my employer to reimburse for for any or all of the cost, even though - I reasoned - it would cost them less than putting me up in a hotel 4 times a month, which is how often I plan on staying over in the city for work. Whatever. Some rules make no sense.

Then, in mid-August, I met this super hot guy and have been spending a lot of time with him. Not a hot SF guy, a hot Sactown guy. Yeah, they exist! They are few and far between, but apparently they are out there. However, the hotness comes with a lot of other qualities that are maybe not so desirable for a "good" girl like myself. (Details will have to be shared in an entirely separate posting). Now I am wondering, do I still want to pursue moving to SF? Or would I be willing to make the sacrifice and stay in Sac if I had a relationship with a great guy? I'm not really even referring to the current dude, just pondering on this in general. And the thought of not being mobile, of not having the option to up and move to Europe or Papua New Guinea or wherever I feel like going, is scary to me. Like, restricting-feeling.

I could use the same feeling to describe the thought of becoming a homeowner. Buying a house, to me, is like admitting I'm going to be in the same place for a long time. And that is a frightening thought, because keeping my options open and staying flexible is really important to me. I joke around and say it's due to a fear of commitment, but that is what it boils down to.

Like with the guy - on one hand, I want him to declare his exclusive adoration of me and tell me I am the only woman in his life. But, I still kinda want to go out with other guys, in case he changes his mind. Keep a back-up option around. Fortunately for me, I have not been confronted with this problem, it is only in my mind. The main thing is that I desperately don't want to get my feelings hurt, so I try to not have any feelings. Or convince myself that I don't. I know this is normal. But I wonder if I think about it too much? Who knows. Who decides what is normal, anyway?

If I'm not dating anyone seriously, I feel I can still keep some of my dreams alive. Like my ultimate career goal of being a diplomat, and my life/vacation goal of saving up enough money to travel around the world for a year. Yeah! Adventure is what it's all about. Now, it would be nice to meet someone who'd support the career goal and say that he'd move to Nepal or Moldova for me, or who shares my passion for travel and can say, screw work and the rat race for a year. But for now, I have to be OK with the idea of doing these things on my own.

So...to buy a house or pay rent indefinitely? To pursue romantic entanglements and risk heartbreak or allow myself only meaningless flings and flirtations (with younger men, no doubt)?

Whenever I get too worried about things like this, I force myself to think about all of the people in the world who have actual problems. And then I feel kind of silly. But, also - I do feel better. Time to get ready for bed.

Second Thoughts

The tide seems to have turned on my new job. I was pretty lucky over the summer – no working late, low stress, interesting projects, etc. I also wasn’t getting a paycheck – but fortunately that got resolved. This week things have started to suck and I’m having second thoughts. Kind of scary because I had planned on staying at this job for quite a while. I think the main problem is my boss, the guy who I report directly to. He and I have very different styles. He seems to be of the (in my opinion) false notion that I’m his personal secretary and it’s causing me to feel bitterness toward him. Not good. He’ll call me from his office in SF and ask me to call people and set up meetings for him. What? In that time, he could have done it himself. I don’t get it. I think it’s also a gender thing. I feel that if I were a guy, he wouldn’t treat me that way. He is a 61 year old man who is independently wealthy and doesn’t even need to work. That pisses me off, too! I would like to think that jobs should be reserved for those who need to work in order to pay the rent, mortgage, grocery bill, etc. But that’s just me. He is kind of fatherly toward me, which is OK. He has been making an effort to get to know me. But, in a way, I prefer to keep my work and personal lives separate. He sees himself as a “mentor” to me. But I didn’t ask him to be my mentor. I don’t think I need a mentor and if I did, it wouldn’t be him. He expressed frustration that I haven’t gotten tasks done that should have already been finished. See, I do all the work. I think he just sits around making to-do lists that he reads aloud to me. Seriously, I can’t think of what he does. I do have respect for him because I know he’s very intelligent, he is a good writer and he has strong analytical thinking and reasoning skills. But if he expects to loll around in his office with his feet up on the desk while I toil away, this is not going to work out in the long run. I don’t see him going anywhere because he’s a trusted, longtime advisor of the big boss. However, I see myself as a valuable member of the team as well. I’m just going to wait and see what happens in the next month or so, after the international trip is over, and I may have to have a frank discussion with him. He’d be totally screwed if I left, and he probably knows it. I’m going to consider keeping my options open, job-wise. Who you work with is so important, especially if you work so closely on a daily basis with one person.

Back in Business

OK, I finally found a wireless internet connection. Some unsuspecting neighbor is kindly allowing me to "borrow" some bandwidth. It's Friday night and what am I doing? Well, I am sitting on the couch, naked - let me explain - because I just applied some self-tanner and I need it to dry before I go to bed. That's all! I'm watching one of my favorite movies, Love Actually. It's at the end - the best part, where everything falls into place.

So, I've actually been dating the same guy for a record-breaking 27 days. Pretty crazy. I'm still liking him more all the time - strange for me, usually it's the opposite (reference Derek, the guy in SF). I continue to think this one's totally wrong for me, in a long-term sense, but I'm still having FUN! Yay. I'm just concerned that this blog might get a bit dull for a while...

Danger!

Crap. I'm starting to actually like this guy. And the more time I spend with him, the more I like him. Darn it. I hate when that happens.

My new Motto

My new motto is short and simple, comprised of three little words: HAVE MORE FUN! Natalie's suggestion to me to "not think too much" is the key to making sure I follow my own advice. Problem is, it's kinda hard to turn off this brain of mine! But, I'm trying, I'm trying. Case in point - new guy, the artist dude. If I allow myself to think about it, I know he's totally wrong for me. But turn off the brain and just permit myself to enjoy it (or him, rather) while it/he lasts - that's what I'm gonna do. If you could see him...or if you have seen him...you'd understand completely :) Oh my gosh. Last night when he was over, I was in the kitchen pouring some water and he had taken his shirt off, and he stood in the doorway between the room where my bed is and the kitchen and was holding onto the doorframe and his gorgeous, tan, tall, body was stretched out and I just looked and him and kind of melted. Oh my gosh. That picture is going to be etched in my mind for a while. Plus the fact that he came over to see me, knowing I was sick, and he wasn't going to get any. He said he just wanted to be next to me. Do I fall for this stuff? Totally! Going to see him tonight, and tomorrow, and we have plans on Tuesday - and I am so having more fun.

Socialites

Contrary to popular belief, single people like myself don’t necessarily have wild and crazy social lives. Truthfully, the older I get, the more often I find myself hanging out at home and relaxing on the couch as opposed to going out and drinking and flirting. Take this weekend for example. I tried to get some friends to meet me at concert in the park on Friday evening after work, but it didn’t happen. I ended up going for a long walk with Carolyn instead, then going home and reading three magazines while watching “School of Rock” playing on Fox. I think I ended up going to sleep at around 11 p.m. Pretty exciting!

My friends and I actually had a number of social obligations on Saturday night, however. We were pretty excited about this and conveniently, all three parties were within about 5 blocks of each other, making getting around pretty easy. We started off at a wedding reception for some friends who got married recently in Hawaii. Free drinks and appetizers, sweet. Checking our watches, we headed out to party #2, a wine and art reception at a new downtown winery. Another of our friends invited us, she was helping the artist to promote his work. We walked in and I asked her who the artist was, expecting some effeminate “artsy” guy and was surprise when she pointed out a tall, dark, and handsome guy, dressed preppy in khakis and a button down shirt. All of a sudden I became a great patron of the arts J We all hung out there for an hour or so, and two of my friends ended up buying art. They convinced him to come with us to the next party, our friend’s birthday shindig. Yeah – he left his own party to come with us, cool. The birthday party was great. It was in this beautiful old, renovated empty apartment that is going to be a salon. Perfect setting for a party, and they had a bartender and a DJ. I stayed fairly close to the artist, desiring to learn more about this hottie and his many “passions” that inspire his art. Sure, his compliments were a little on the cheesy side, but I needed a little ego boost after my rejection by the blind date, right? Plus, like I mentioned, I do like to support the arts. And local artists. He told me he would call me tonight, so we’ll see. But, wow, he is nice to look at. I wouldn’t mind hanging out with him again.

Rejection

Based on the way my date with the hot dad went last weekend, I was pretty sure he was interested in me and that he would call me. All the signs were there. He complimented me on my appearance (he did not have to do this). He was the one who wanted to extend the date and keep it going. After dinner, he could have easily begged off with an excuse that he had to get up early the next morning for something or other. When I invited him in for dessert, he could have declined, after all, it was already 1 a.m. Then, when he was leaving, he said something about wanting to take me out again. Taking all of this into consideration, I don’t think it was unreasonable to expect a phone call. So I have compiled a list of possible reasons for why he has not called:

1. he got in a car accident on the way home to Folsom and was recovering in the hospital
2. assuming #1 is true, he has contracted amnesia and doesn’t remember a thing about me or our date
3. or, as a result of the accident, his cell phone was destroyed and he lost my number
4. let’s say there was no accident, but after thinking the evening over, he decided that I am way too beautiful/smart/funny for him and he is terribly intimidated by me
5. thus, he is going to check with Vanessa and see if she has any more friends to set him up with

Unfortunately, I’ll never know, unless he decides to share his reasoning with Vanessa. Oh well! Like I said before, at least it was fun and interesting night.