I have decided that I am a very confused individual. This is not meant to be a profound statement by any means, nor do I assume that others are not as confused or more confused than me. I think this state of confusion exists in many of us because we are confronted with such a variety of choices - many more so than our parents had available to them, for example. Last week I put an offer on a house. Then I changed my mind, and let the counteroffer expire. I feel totally relieved! Just two months ago, I was fantasizing about living in San Francisco, at least part time. I even searched for apartments for rent and went to go look at one. I gave it some serious consideration. I was going to be this cool bi-city chick. Not to be confused with a bi chick. Even tho we're talking about SF. No, I had this whole plan to spend more time in the city and try to date guys there as a part-time resident. Not that you have to establish residency to be allowed to date someone, but I look at this in the same way I do applying for jobs. It's difficult to get a job in a city where you're not currently living, right? Well, the same theory can be applied to boyfriends. Guys who live in SF can hardly be bothered to leave the city limits. And why would they? Everything is there. Maybe they'll make the trek to Tahoe during snowboarding season, otherwise they are staying put. Drive to Sacramento? Riiiight.

So I was considering renting a room in an apartment in the Mission. But I learned that there was no way I could convince my employer to reimburse for for any or all of the cost, even though - I reasoned - it would cost them less than putting me up in a hotel 4 times a month, which is how often I plan on staying over in the city for work. Whatever. Some rules make no sense.

Then, in mid-August, I met this super hot guy and have been spending a lot of time with him. Not a hot SF guy, a hot Sactown guy. Yeah, they exist! They are few and far between, but apparently they are out there. However, the hotness comes with a lot of other qualities that are maybe not so desirable for a "good" girl like myself. (Details will have to be shared in an entirely separate posting). Now I am wondering, do I still want to pursue moving to SF? Or would I be willing to make the sacrifice and stay in Sac if I had a relationship with a great guy? I'm not really even referring to the current dude, just pondering on this in general. And the thought of not being mobile, of not having the option to up and move to Europe or Papua New Guinea or wherever I feel like going, is scary to me. Like, restricting-feeling.

I could use the same feeling to describe the thought of becoming a homeowner. Buying a house, to me, is like admitting I'm going to be in the same place for a long time. And that is a frightening thought, because keeping my options open and staying flexible is really important to me. I joke around and say it's due to a fear of commitment, but that is what it boils down to.

Like with the guy - on one hand, I want him to declare his exclusive adoration of me and tell me I am the only woman in his life. But, I still kinda want to go out with other guys, in case he changes his mind. Keep a back-up option around. Fortunately for me, I have not been confronted with this problem, it is only in my mind. The main thing is that I desperately don't want to get my feelings hurt, so I try to not have any feelings. Or convince myself that I don't. I know this is normal. But I wonder if I think about it too much? Who knows. Who decides what is normal, anyway?

If I'm not dating anyone seriously, I feel I can still keep some of my dreams alive. Like my ultimate career goal of being a diplomat, and my life/vacation goal of saving up enough money to travel around the world for a year. Yeah! Adventure is what it's all about. Now, it would be nice to meet someone who'd support the career goal and say that he'd move to Nepal or Moldova for me, or who shares my passion for travel and can say, screw work and the rat race for a year. But for now, I have to be OK with the idea of doing these things on my own.

So...to buy a house or pay rent indefinitely? To pursue romantic entanglements and risk heartbreak or allow myself only meaningless flings and flirtations (with younger men, no doubt)?

Whenever I get too worried about things like this, I force myself to think about all of the people in the world who have actual problems. And then I feel kind of silly. But, also - I do feel better. Time to get ready for bed.

Second Thoughts

The tide seems to have turned on my new job. I was pretty lucky over the summer – no working late, low stress, interesting projects, etc. I also wasn’t getting a paycheck – but fortunately that got resolved. This week things have started to suck and I’m having second thoughts. Kind of scary because I had planned on staying at this job for quite a while. I think the main problem is my boss, the guy who I report directly to. He and I have very different styles. He seems to be of the (in my opinion) false notion that I’m his personal secretary and it’s causing me to feel bitterness toward him. Not good. He’ll call me from his office in SF and ask me to call people and set up meetings for him. What? In that time, he could have done it himself. I don’t get it. I think it’s also a gender thing. I feel that if I were a guy, he wouldn’t treat me that way. He is a 61 year old man who is independently wealthy and doesn’t even need to work. That pisses me off, too! I would like to think that jobs should be reserved for those who need to work in order to pay the rent, mortgage, grocery bill, etc. But that’s just me. He is kind of fatherly toward me, which is OK. He has been making an effort to get to know me. But, in a way, I prefer to keep my work and personal lives separate. He sees himself as a “mentor” to me. But I didn’t ask him to be my mentor. I don’t think I need a mentor and if I did, it wouldn’t be him. He expressed frustration that I haven’t gotten tasks done that should have already been finished. See, I do all the work. I think he just sits around making to-do lists that he reads aloud to me. Seriously, I can’t think of what he does. I do have respect for him because I know he’s very intelligent, he is a good writer and he has strong analytical thinking and reasoning skills. But if he expects to loll around in his office with his feet up on the desk while I toil away, this is not going to work out in the long run. I don’t see him going anywhere because he’s a trusted, longtime advisor of the big boss. However, I see myself as a valuable member of the team as well. I’m just going to wait and see what happens in the next month or so, after the international trip is over, and I may have to have a frank discussion with him. He’d be totally screwed if I left, and he probably knows it. I’m going to consider keeping my options open, job-wise. Who you work with is so important, especially if you work so closely on a daily basis with one person.

Back in Business

OK, I finally found a wireless internet connection. Some unsuspecting neighbor is kindly allowing me to "borrow" some bandwidth. It's Friday night and what am I doing? Well, I am sitting on the couch, naked - let me explain - because I just applied some self-tanner and I need it to dry before I go to bed. That's all! I'm watching one of my favorite movies, Love Actually. It's at the end - the best part, where everything falls into place.

So, I've actually been dating the same guy for a record-breaking 27 days. Pretty crazy. I'm still liking him more all the time - strange for me, usually it's the opposite (reference Derek, the guy in SF). I continue to think this one's totally wrong for me, in a long-term sense, but I'm still having FUN! Yay. I'm just concerned that this blog might get a bit dull for a while...