Crushing

I have been feeling a little pathetic lately about all the crushes I have. I never thought that a 34-year old woman would still be having one-sided crushes on men. It's kind of sad. On the one hand, it's fun to think someone is cute and have a little attraction going, but on the other hand, wouldn't it be nice if these feelings were reciprocated once in a while? Um, yes! Well, let me list out these guys to put everything in perspective.

1) Aussie Guy. Hands down, he's been my #1 crush for the almost 2 years I've known him. I have been absolutely crazy about him ever since I first laid eyes on him. All this time, we've hung out together and on a few occasions, I allowed myself to think that maybe, just maybe, he felt slightly attracted to me too. Well, I'll never know. He's moving back to Oz. Actually, he flew back today. I had lunch with him a week ago today, and found out he has a new girlfriend! Bummer. Major disappointment. But really, it wouldn't work out anyway. Between me and him and probably between him and the new g-friend. I also went to his going-away party on Saturday night. I'm glad I went - he has a lot of cute friends, and it sort of felt like closure. But speaking of pathetic - I got a little drunk on vodka tonics and ended up leaving the party by myself. My friends decided to stay but I had to get back to Sacramento the next morning. I walked to the BART station by myself and I was a bit teary. I was pretty sad (also, emotions were fueled by the alcohol) that I'll probably never see him again. That is always hard. I was also regretting that I never even got to kiss him or anything. Big sigh.

2) Crush #2. This is a guy, who will go unnamed, who I met about 3 years ago. He is a friend of some friends. Same as with Aussie guy, I felt this instant attraction to him from the moment I met him. We've had this silly flirtation going on for a long time but nothing has ever happened. The intensity of my crush waned after a while, but every time I see him, I feel it a little bit. I still hold out some kind of hope that we might randomly hook up sometime. I don't want him to be my boyfriend - my aspirations are much lower than that. Plus, I don't think he's a relationship type of guy. I just think he's hot, that's all.

3) SF guy. I just met this guy a couple weeks ago, so he doesn't fall into the epic crush category like the guys above, but he's got potential. At this point, I'm still not sure if he is gay or straight. This is a common quandary when meeting guys in SF. I met him at a work event. I walked into this conference and there was a panel going on, and he was on the panel. I couldn't take my eyes off him - this one is hot and smart - major bonus. I saw him again yesterday. I arranged a meeting between him, me and several other people. Unfortunately I didn't get a chance to talk to him much, but I sent a "follow up" e-mail today so we'll see if I hear from him. Don't a lot of people meet their significant others through work?? Can't it be a little easier than this? Sigh.

4) PG&E guy. This one ranks pretty low but it was the cause of a recent embarrassing moment. A hot PG&E guy has "serviced" my house a couple of times, and yes, I allowed myself to have a brief porn-like fantasy. Anyway - I saw him at a free concert about a month ago but didn't recognize him. I saw this very cute guy and I knew that I knew him, I just couldn't figure out how. He didn't seem to know me, or if he did, he wasn't acknowledging me. This mystery was really bugging me. My friend had a couple glasses of wine and went up and started talking to him. She told him that we thought he looked familiar and were wondering where he worked. I was out of earshot of her conversation. A few moments later she called me over and said "Michele, is this the cute PG&E guy you were telling me about?" I felt myself turn completely red and I looked up (he is pretty tall), smiled, and said, "yes." Oh god. His name is Joe. He is very, very cute and he remembered me! How exciting. Considering he goes into people's homes all day long, every day, I thought it was nice that he remembered me. However, we found out he has a girlfriend. Who lives in AUSTRALIA. What the hell?? He met her on myspace! I was pissed, thinking - here I am, a perfectly nice single girl living in Sacramento, and he is dating some chick in f-ing Australia? What is wrong with this picture, people? That was depressing. I saw him there again a couple weeks later and was proud of myself for going up and talking to him. He was there by himself. He remembered my name. "Michele, right?" He said. Yes! It's the little victories. I'm just hoping he will keep me in mind if (when) things don't work out with Miss Aussie.

These are just a few examples of my frustration with a lack of convergence of mutual interest between me and guys - in other words - why I am single. This is why. I like guys who do not like me (as more than a friend) and I suppose there have been guys who like me more than I like them. In any event, I never meet anyone who likes me back, or at least that I know of. So, this is a very long way of answering the question "why are you [still] single?"