Crush Redux

Guess I need to add another crush to the mix. This one is completely random. So, about 4 years ago, when I was living in Munich, I went to a work-related event and there were a bunch of Americans there, including a group of MBA students from a university in the South. One of the guys definitely caught my eye - he was tall, really cute, Southern gentleman, that whole thing. They were only in Germany for a few days, studying European business for their program. Being the gracious hostess that I am, I offered to show the guys around a bit. I took them out that night and then we met up again the following night too. I was getting along great with the one guy and thought for sure he kinda felt similarly about me...who knows. Turns out he had a girlfriend - I was ueber disappointed. Anyway - we kept in touch for a time, with e-mail. When I returned to the States, we continued to keep in contact a bit, talking on the phone a few times, mostly talking about job searching and such. He was interested in moving out to the west coast, and talked about Reno (why, I can't recall). Of course the girlfriend would be moving with him. Well, I heard from him out of the blue a few days ago. He sent me a friend request on LinkedIn and told me he had a job offer in Sac, and wanted my advice on places to live, etc. I was very excited but told myself, chill...the dude is probably married with kids by now. That's how my life works. I called him up yesterday and spoke with him for a while and it turns out he is not with anyone...yay! And it seems 99% sure that he's moving here. And I'm the only person he knows here. Yes! He'll be moving out here in a few weeks. I told him he could crash with me if he needed a temporary place and he seemed pretty interested in taking me up on that. Then we talked about him renting my room from me for a couple months, and I thought - sweet! Then after getting off the phone I realized, mmm, maybe not a good idea. If I want this guy to fall for me, he'd better not be too close for comfort right away - he'll just think of me as a buddy. I do not want to be just a buddy! Now I've got to convince one of my friends to take the guy in for a while, so I can tell him, oh, I found a way better and more convenient place for you to stay! Etc. I still think this is too good to be true. Hot guy I met in Germany 4 years ago all of sudden pops back into my life, is moving to my town, and is single?? No way. I suppose that stranger things have happened though. We'll see. Stay tuned. Sorry for the long paragraph!!

Crushing

I have been feeling a little pathetic lately about all the crushes I have. I never thought that a 34-year old woman would still be having one-sided crushes on men. It's kind of sad. On the one hand, it's fun to think someone is cute and have a little attraction going, but on the other hand, wouldn't it be nice if these feelings were reciprocated once in a while? Um, yes! Well, let me list out these guys to put everything in perspective.

1) Aussie Guy. Hands down, he's been my #1 crush for the almost 2 years I've known him. I have been absolutely crazy about him ever since I first laid eyes on him. All this time, we've hung out together and on a few occasions, I allowed myself to think that maybe, just maybe, he felt slightly attracted to me too. Well, I'll never know. He's moving back to Oz. Actually, he flew back today. I had lunch with him a week ago today, and found out he has a new girlfriend! Bummer. Major disappointment. But really, it wouldn't work out anyway. Between me and him and probably between him and the new g-friend. I also went to his going-away party on Saturday night. I'm glad I went - he has a lot of cute friends, and it sort of felt like closure. But speaking of pathetic - I got a little drunk on vodka tonics and ended up leaving the party by myself. My friends decided to stay but I had to get back to Sacramento the next morning. I walked to the BART station by myself and I was a bit teary. I was pretty sad (also, emotions were fueled by the alcohol) that I'll probably never see him again. That is always hard. I was also regretting that I never even got to kiss him or anything. Big sigh.

2) Crush #2. This is a guy, who will go unnamed, who I met about 3 years ago. He is a friend of some friends. Same as with Aussie guy, I felt this instant attraction to him from the moment I met him. We've had this silly flirtation going on for a long time but nothing has ever happened. The intensity of my crush waned after a while, but every time I see him, I feel it a little bit. I still hold out some kind of hope that we might randomly hook up sometime. I don't want him to be my boyfriend - my aspirations are much lower than that. Plus, I don't think he's a relationship type of guy. I just think he's hot, that's all.

3) SF guy. I just met this guy a couple weeks ago, so he doesn't fall into the epic crush category like the guys above, but he's got potential. At this point, I'm still not sure if he is gay or straight. This is a common quandary when meeting guys in SF. I met him at a work event. I walked into this conference and there was a panel going on, and he was on the panel. I couldn't take my eyes off him - this one is hot and smart - major bonus. I saw him again yesterday. I arranged a meeting between him, me and several other people. Unfortunately I didn't get a chance to talk to him much, but I sent a "follow up" e-mail today so we'll see if I hear from him. Don't a lot of people meet their significant others through work?? Can't it be a little easier than this? Sigh.

4) PG&E guy. This one ranks pretty low but it was the cause of a recent embarrassing moment. A hot PG&E guy has "serviced" my house a couple of times, and yes, I allowed myself to have a brief porn-like fantasy. Anyway - I saw him at a free concert about a month ago but didn't recognize him. I saw this very cute guy and I knew that I knew him, I just couldn't figure out how. He didn't seem to know me, or if he did, he wasn't acknowledging me. This mystery was really bugging me. My friend had a couple glasses of wine and went up and started talking to him. She told him that we thought he looked familiar and were wondering where he worked. I was out of earshot of her conversation. A few moments later she called me over and said "Michele, is this the cute PG&E guy you were telling me about?" I felt myself turn completely red and I looked up (he is pretty tall), smiled, and said, "yes." Oh god. His name is Joe. He is very, very cute and he remembered me! How exciting. Considering he goes into people's homes all day long, every day, I thought it was nice that he remembered me. However, we found out he has a girlfriend. Who lives in AUSTRALIA. What the hell?? He met her on myspace! I was pissed, thinking - here I am, a perfectly nice single girl living in Sacramento, and he is dating some chick in f-ing Australia? What is wrong with this picture, people? That was depressing. I saw him there again a couple weeks later and was proud of myself for going up and talking to him. He was there by himself. He remembered my name. "Michele, right?" He said. Yes! It's the little victories. I'm just hoping he will keep me in mind if (when) things don't work out with Miss Aussie.

These are just a few examples of my frustration with a lack of convergence of mutual interest between me and guys - in other words - why I am single. This is why. I like guys who do not like me (as more than a friend) and I suppose there have been guys who like me more than I like them. In any event, I never meet anyone who likes me back, or at least that I know of. So, this is a very long way of answering the question "why are you [still] single?"

Shock

I just heard that one of my friends died last night. He is not someone I consider a close friend. Regardless, he is someone I've known and hung out with socially for many years. I hadn't seen him for a while and was just asking our mutual friend about him on Friday night. She hadn't seen him for some time, either. It turns out he had a girlfriend, which explains why he was MIA. He and the girlfriend were at his house and got into a fight, which escalated and he pushed her down the stairs - or she fell, I don't know. Later that night, he was drunk - I think she was gone by then - and he got out his gun and shot himself. And he died. I guess I never really knew him. He was 39 years old, I think. Maybe 40. He was a very successful guy by all measures. He had a bachelor's and a master's degree. He had a great career doing business strategy at Intel in Folsom. He had a beautiful, immaculately decorated home next to a lake in a nice neighborhood. For a short while, I lived near him and I would see him running on the levy bike path. He always drove the nicest cars and dressed well. I went out with one of his good friends a few times, he told me that R. always wanted to date the most beautiful girls because those were the types of women he wanted to be seen with. Outward appearances were very important to him. A few of us joked around that he was gay because he was sort of a "metrosexual" type of guy. It seems (seems being the key word, I suppose) like he had everything going for him. I don't get it. I don't understand why he wanted to end it all. Maybe I'll learn more later, but in the meantime, it's hard to know how I feel because this wasn't an accident, he did this to himself on purpose. I can't imagine how his parents, his other family members are feeling.

E-mail flattery

I posted a profile on this free online dating website called "plenty of fish". One of my friends met a guy through the site. Granted, it didn't end up being a love connection, but I figured, why not. There's nothing to lose. I selected an SF zip code so I would get responses from city guys - an even bigger pond of fish, if you will. I've received tons of messages from geeky Indian IT guys, NASCAR fans, and just generally unattractive guys. But a couple of hotties have contacted me, which is nice. One guy in particular has captured my fancy with his very interesting (and probably hallucenigenic drug-induced) messages. Check it out:

Message 1:
Hello! you are indeed a woman of some substance it seems. Which exact substance i don't know but i know it must be a prescription of some kind because you are intoxicating. Okay that was corny.let me try again.Wow. You are insanely pretty. Beautiful in a non-lewd way. Someone you would be proud to bring home to your family.And so well spoken, and not over the top, yet, not boring... There is something to you and i sense sincerity and kindness and the face had me at first glance so i hope you have a heart or you may end up carving mine out (for lunch!)Bring it back, blonde. Kennedy

I replied and asked if that was a stock message he sends to all the ladies :)

Message 2:
Hi there, gentle and yet sublimely hot and curvy wonder woman of this absurd little jetty of internet dating (.com)No, that was not a "stock love rant". If it were so, i would have to have a team of scientists matching it to the DNA of each subject to make sure they are precisely astonished at the exact moment of pheremonal activity or something. Or wait, that was overthought. In other words, I write for a living, and sometimes stuff pours out of my heart, through my stupid mouth, and sometimes--if you are wildly attractive and non-psychotic, you will see it as a kind of absurd gift that someone with my blinding romantic acumen in writing women of your clear eloquence and grace can pull off in moments of pure inspiration. Call it a gift, a curse, but yeah, in less time than it took you to read this rant, i wrote the other one. I would only write you original, in-the-moment, experiental, non-tangential, and always entertaining prose. In lieu, of course, of actually being in your presence, coercing you with****ails, and aiming my laser beam movie smile in your direction occasional to inpsire giddy femininity, hair twirling, and possible hallucinations (or gagging). Either way, you are defintely tall enough to ride the Kennedy Ride, so buckle up, and question the sincerity and inspiration again at the peril of being bored by the other weiners on this system, I daresay (sips martini)with a slightly raised eyebrow,and a dazzling smile. Kennedy

I wrote him back and told him I was convinced his message to me wasn't a mass e-mail, and asked him what he wanted to know about me.

Message 3:
Thank you for the digital rose.[note: HE sent me a digital rose, it just got sent back to him when I replied!] I'll go put it in a digital vase and we can run off together digitally somewhere and have really great virtual sex! You are so good. Your joystick really is aptly named, she said (audience groans). Hey fire the writer!What do i want to know? Hmm. How many dates a week you go on. Are you looking for the same bone structure (perfect, presidential) for your guy (who i imagine would also be tall, rich and handsome, and not talk a lot like me). Have you sold your soul and lost your mind working in politics. Do you know Gavin's wife-to-be? Do you think Obama will get in or Hillary, (or McCain??). Do you have any STD's including the euphemized "Cold sores" (okay, sweetie, that's herpes). do you have a pet you talk baby talk to. Got anger issues? Germ phobic? Do you drink excessively? What anti-depressants are you on? Are you mormon, religiously fanatical, and would you fly a paper airplaine into my house of cards to prove a point? All those being joke questions really, you can see the gist of my jib, or the cut of my gist, or the jab of my boom, or the boom of my bluster. Either way, you light a fire under this writer. I daresay you should get your butt onto a nearby cushy barstool and help me put it out with some drinks (he said smoothly).What do YOU want to know?Kennedy

Dreamin'

I had a very vivid dream last night that I met a guy, who I wasn't that into, but for some reason agreed to go with him on vacation to Canada. While on the plane ride, I started to really fall for him. At some point during the trip, he disappeared - he totally ditched me! I was very confused and was trying to find him. When we disembarked in Toronto, he was nowhere to be found. After I woke up, I thought to myself, why am I so concerned about this? This sort of thing happens to me all the time. I meet a guy, I start to like him, and he never calls me again, for no reason I am aware of.

Adorable

I went on a second date tonight with a guy who thinks I'm adorable. He told me that several times while saying goodbye to me. He is leaving the ball completely in my court and told me that he would like to pursue dating me but that I have to call him. He was very straightforward, I have to give him credit for that. He is intelligent and funny and a good conversationalist, and I guess kind of cute. He is tall and has good hair and dresses well. He's a little metrosexual but I'm fairly assured that he's not gay. He is almost 35 and has a good job. He is divorced and has a little daughter. I'm not sure how attracted to him I am. I am wondering if him thinking I'm adorable is reason enough to go out with him again. Seeing as how I don't really have any other options for the time being, I'm thinking "yes".

I went out with the Aussie on Thursday night in the city and as always, had a fabulous time. I met him at his apt. and we walked into the Presidio. We had dinner at the Presidio Social Club. We went to Balboa Cafe after for a beer. Then I took a cab back to my hotel and he walked home. I found out he is kind of seeing someone but he made it sound as though it wasn't serious at all. So, once again, I go out with him and feel like he just likes me as a friend, although I think he does give off the occasional mixed signal. Who knows.

There is a guy who lives in So Cal who I've met a couple of times (friend of a friend) who I think is very cute and smart, etc. but he lives far away so I haven't really thought about it. I spoke to him on the phone yesterday for about an hour and may have the chance to see him sometime this spring. So, that could be interesting. A friendship, if nothing else.

Time to go to bed - have to be in the office early tomorrow morning because we are hosting a breakfast for hundreds of people. Crazy. At least I'm not directly involved, I will just have to smile and be friendly. Granted, this is difficult to do early in the morning.

Aussie Update

I was super excited when my Aussie guy invited me to his b-day party in Tahoe on March 8 but after I had a chance to calm down and think about it more realistically, I decided there was no way I could go. I don't want to spend a weekend in Tahoe with him as friends, and I don't want to take the risk of him being up there with a girlfriend or other romantic interest. That would be way too disappointing for me. I wasn't planning to contact him about it unless he bothered to follow up with me. Today he emailed me with a detailed invite. Bummed that I can't possibly go, I wrote back and told him I couldn't make it but that he and I would definitely have to get together for dinner in SF to celebrate our birthdays - he is one day older than me. Not too much later, he wrote me back and I was really surprised at what he wrote - he said "Darn it. I was looking forward to introducing you to the crew." I don't get it. Why would he say it like that - "introducing me"? He could've just said " too bad, you would've had a good time hanging out with my mates" or something to that extent. Well, who knows. The point is that I continue to be totally confused by this guy. He did say that we'll go out for a glass of wine and dinner, though, and that he's around next week. Guess the key will be to drink more like a bottle of wine and see if he loosens up a bit. Check back next week for another update in this boring, slow saga...